JOKES
Here are some of my favourite jokes at the moment to tickle your funny bone. I'd love to hear some of yours so just drop me an email or drop by for a chat!!
1. A Scotsman goes into a bar in Canada and says to the barkeep, "Ay Jimma whats dat dere head you got anging on de wall?", pointing to the hunting prize. The barman looking up at the head and antlers replies, "That there's a moose". Startled and a little confused the scotsman says to the bartender, "If dat dere's your moose I'd hate to see how big ya CATS are round ere!"......Boom Boom!
2. A Scotsman, kilt and all walks into a bar and three pommies see him as easy prey for a wind up. The first englishman goes up to him and says, "Hey Jimma, that St.Andrew of yours was a real poof!". Unfazed the Scotsman says "Was he well I didn't know!". The first englishman returns to his friends unsuccesful and the second gent has a go, "Hey Jimma that St.Andrew of yours was a transvestite poofter!. Again unfazed the Scotsman replies "Well there you go!". Finally after his friends had tried unsuccesfully to rile up the Scot the third Englishman says ,"I know what to say!" and goes up to the Scot. "Hey there Jimma, did you know that that St.Andrew of yours was an ENGLISHMAN!". Finally the Scot turns to the friend and says, "Yes I did acutually your friends were just telling me about him!".....Boom Boom!
3. A quickie! Whats the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? Alcoholics have to go to Meetings!!!....Boom Boom!
4. A bear walks into a bar waves to the barman and says, "I'll have a .................(long pause) beer!" before resting on the bar. The barman replies "Whats with the long pause?". The bear says "I've always had them!"....Boom Boom. Get it long pause, paws......Can also be substituted for a horse walks into a bar and whats with the long face.
5. One of Jimeoins jokes which I loved. Two TV antennas were up on top of a house. One male TV antenna and One female TV antenna. Well the two TV antenna's fell in love and on there special day the wedding ceremony was special but the reception was FANTASTIC! .....Boom Boom
6.A dyslexic man walks into a bra.!!!
7. Why are there no asprin in the jungle. Because the parrots eat em all!!!
(Simon Osborne)
8. Police were stumped when they discoverd a dead mans body in a Mr.Whippy Ice Cream Van. There was no sign of forced entry but the body was covered in cream, nuts, chocolate sauce and a cherry. Police were relieved to discover he'd topped himself!
9. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went camping with their tents in the English countryside. On a fine summers evening Holmes was lying there when he turned to Watson and said, "Watson dear old chap", "Yes Holmes", "Watson what can we deduce from the pattern of the bright stars in the night sky". Stumped Doctor Watson says, "Sorry Holmes I don't know what can we deduce from the pattern of the bright stars in the night sky". Holmes replies "Watson my good fellow a good detective could deduce from the sight of the bright stars in the night sky that some thieving bugger has gone and stolen our Tent!".....Boom, Boom
10. What do you call a frenchman wearing Sandals? Fillippe Filloppe
11. A farmer in his fields goes up to his scarecrow and says, "Scarecrow I'd like to give you an award". The Scarecrow says stunned , "Me, an award, what for?". The farmer replies "Scarecrow, I'd like to give you an award for upstanding work in this field!"...
